What's not in Parenting Books

Parenting – What’s not in the Parenting Manuals July 21, 2009

The subject today is parenting and the subjects missing from the parenting books. I have long expressed the plan to write a parenting book with the prospective of metaphysical or new thought philosophies. Most parenting books are either written by psychologist or behavior specialist (frequently who have not been parents) or are written by someone whose agenda is their own religious dogma filled with morality and rules based on Judeo-Christian beliefs.

There are” shoulds” and “should nots” and theories based on statistics and averages in books. The personal core ideas of the writers are injected into the book as if those ideas are the gospel, set in stone, or hard clinical facts. I think that is BS. But then my own beliefs are going to show through in any parenting books I write. So what I want to present are some new ideas or different ways to look at things, or think about differently.

It isn’t that I haven’t been writing this book. It is in progress and my research continues. I noticed the other day there are some subject that are not in any traditional parenting books. The books don’t tell a superstar celebrity parent how to give their children normal childhoods (whatever that is) or why they need to. They don’t explain to the rest of the world how hard it is to be in the spotlight 24/7 and then have “down” time. And if the star is the kind that gives 1000 plus into their work, what they will be like as they crash. It doesn’t mean they are bad parents, just don’t know how to be a star parent.

The books don’t have any answer for a superstar that wants kids who has the money to get them in whatever way he wants (surrogate mothers or foreign adoptions) and then the superstar dies leaving the children without a parent. Or they are a couple and adopt and then the adopted orphan has their world upset and destroyed once again when the two parents divorce.

Yes, Michael Jackson has biological family but the tabloids continue to bring it up. Are they really his biological children? The damage these papers are doing to his three children in order to sell papers is hard to determine. And there is no standard to measure any of this by, nor any way to shut them the _____ up. Johnny Depp has his own island and keeps his children totally away from the media. But he is an incredibly talented actor and children tend to inherit some of the parents’ talents. Are they going to be sheltered away from acting when it is possible that they have similar talents? The books don’t tell any parent how to keep their child actors stable and able to cope with the fame. How many child actors grow up and have drug problems and have to go into some sort of rehab? The psychologist can’t claim they know what is “normal” for celebrities unless they are celebrities themselves – but that still doesn’t mean they know what is best in each situation.

And how does Cher deal with birthing a daughter that wants to be a man now? If you are a parent, how would you deal with that kind of change? I am not passing judgment on Chastity’s life path decision. I am just thinking about my children (four of them) and how it would be to be standing in the same room looking at them as the opposite sex from what they were when I birthed them. It does something to your mind. It’s very hard to grasp. And I am a very non-judgmental tolerant and loving mother.

Here is another subject missing from the parenting books, TV and the movies. The mother-in-law story has been shown a million different ways – all negative. She is possessive and won’t let her child leave and get married. She interferes and tries to run their lives. She goes to her child and new spouse’s house and rearranges things and injects her ideas of what is right on her children. And the new daughter or son-in-law resent it. There is never a really good relationship portrayed. What about the mother who is tolerant, not controlling, loving, and accepting?

I can’t say honestly that every boy or girl that has dated one of my children have been easy for me to befriend. I hope I did not come across as stuck up though if they were not right for my kids, I knew it. In my mind, I just kept my distance and knowing that they weren’t going to be responsive to me did not try to talk to them.

The really hard situation as a parent is when your child’s friends or romantic interest are really likable and you enjoy their presence in YOUR life. Then they break up and this person in your heart, is no longer there. The son divorces his wife. The former wife is still friendly to the mother-in-law who is in turn friendly to the former daughter-in-law and mother of her grandchildren – EXCEPT when the son comes around with a new girlfriend. This grandmother doesn’t know how to act around the former daughter-in-law. If she is friendly, will it make her son mad and the new woman jealous? If the split was unfriendly and he is bitter toward the old wife, does his mom have to take sides? If she doesn’t, that could make the son mad at her and feel she doesn’t love him. It becomes an uncomfortable situation and there aren’t any guidelines or in the media.

But the mother-in-law loves that woman who birthed her grandchildren. She isn’t mad at the former wife of her son. Yes, there are some women who can separate their feelings even if the wife DID do something like have an affair. There are those of us that don’t judge or maybe understand why the daughter-in-law might stray – just don’t project our own interpretations of what happened. It’s is not any of our business.

I have found myself in this position several times now. I opened my arms, my home, and my love to these children temporarily around. And when they broke up, it really hurt. It isn’t just about their romantic interest either. When one of my children has left home, I don’t get to see their friends anymore. I miss them. But it’s the break ups of the long-term relationships that hurt the most. I loved them and not just because they loved my sons or daughter. I feel their pain or hurt when my children move on and I don’t know how to be a friend to them. It becomes AWKWARD! And what happens? We end up having to sever our connection. Or we can only talk when the former romantic partner isn’t around. It’s a dumb social norm!

Parents – is it easier to find fault and get mad at the former lover of your child? Is it easier to keep your distance just in case they break up later on? If you always got along with the in-law, what did YOU do when they broke up? And if you carry on your relationship or friendship with your son’s former girlfriend, will he think you are trying to get him back together with her or just not want to be around her and he avoids you? Will she be hoping for a reconciliation if she stays friends with you? Or will the son think that is the case? Think about these things. They are real questions and how to deal with your feelings of loss are real. They are actually grief and it isn’t just because your child may be hurting because of the break up. YOU are hurting too if you had a good relationship with the girlfriend or boyfriend. And I don’t have the answers YET. This is a work in progress.