Praying When we are Grieving

by Katherine Ari, November 30, 2009

I have a large number of friends who have just lost loved ones in the last few months, especially in November. First, the former editor/owner of the hometown local newspaper passed away the same day as Michael Jackson. Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and Patrick Swayze died. These were all icons in their own way. Another hometown death was Aunt Dale. Most of us who grew up there know who she was and what she meant to her family as well as hundreds of other people over the many years.

One of my classmates had several ailing relatives dying at the same time. Another’s dad died. At our reunion a beautiful mom in her nineties joined us. She passed last week quite quickly

A couple of Sunday’s ago, a close friend was crying at church. He told me his dad had died the night before. And it has been only 3 weeks since another friend of 20 years out here in Douglasville had his mom pass away. Yesterday, at church again, I hugged a friend, David Michael. I can’t explain what I felt but I knew something just wasn’t right. “What’s going on?” He knew he couldn’t pretend with me. “My dad died last week,” he answered me.

My home girl, Gem, lost her father-in-law Thursday, Thanksgiving night. On Saturday, my class website posted that a classmate’s wife passed away after a battle with cancer. And when I got home from church, I checked the website and found classmate Stanley’s cancer had taken his life too. And a young friend had a break up and 2 deaths in his family, one a suicide. There are a few more that have happened in the last few weeks.

So many people I care about are grieving. I’ve been on that road. My parents have both passed – 10 and 11 years ago. Doug’s Grandmother Nordquist died at age 89. Then his other Grandpa Roy at 95 and Grandma Eva died as 99 in February of 2003. Later that year, the most devastating death of all happened when his 48-year-old sister died the day before Thanksgiving suddenly.

The thing is most of us have some sort of belief in an afterlife. Most of us believe that our loved ones and friends are met by those gone before them and that they are no longer in pain, going to a new and better life.

Many people say to pray for them and pray to get through the sorrow, the hard times, the pain and grief. Prayer, like God as we understand God, means different things to different people. The atheist, and there are some among us, finds no comfort for their grief in the idea of talking to a mythical bearded white skinned man out there in the clouds in the sky. But their pain and grief are just as real as the fundamentalist.

My minister and teacher, Paul, was at a city hall type meeting and was asked to say a prayer. He thought about it. Knowing there were many belief systems represented there, especially traditional Christians, how could he “pray” a prayer for everyone? He started with, “What do I know about God?” So in order to make a statement that is for everyone, I have started with what I know about God or Love.

I know there is a power for Good in the Universe. It is the force behind all of creation, the beginning point of all that exist. It is present everywhere in everything all the time. It is available for us to use in our lives. It does its work through us and how we choose to use it creates our personal experience of life. Even someone who choose not to believe in a supernatural being can see that there is something that is the beginning that sets things in motion. We all know that the stronger our faith and beliefs are that we can create anything. One can say it came from me, it came from God working through me, or it came from God outside of me. I personally call it Universal Energy or God but for me it is not a man God. I believe; therefore I use the power for Good and for Love.

Many of us are sad. Many feel loss. My classmate Stanley was quite a character. A book about him would be funny and inspirational, but I don’t think there would be space enough to say everything and really tell his whole story.

Grief is a personal experience. We are sad because the physical presence of the one who has passed is gone. We lose the moments of sharing time with them, looking at their smiling faces, feeling their love in the same room. A part of us has gone away forever. Life brings us all sorts of changes in our relationships. With death, the physical one on one relationship is over and you can’t get it back. We cry – but that really is okay!

We want to say in our prayer, “God, I miss my loved one so much. I know they are okay but it still hurts me. I miss them. I wasn’t ready for them to go! I wasn’t done yet needing them in my life.” And when you get to this point, you can keep crying, complaining, and lamenting. When you truly believe in this ultimate power for Good we call God, then after you have cried until you feel you can cry no more, BE STILL. Let the Love you know is God, is this Universal Force come into your consciousness, holding you, healing you, cradling and nurturing you, and carrying you through a hard part of existence. And if you are atheist and grieving, you do know love and how it feels, so think of feeling Love. The part of the person who has left us that we long for IS love. We may have to cry a while but the memories of the love and joy will not leave. Love is infinite, unlimited by time and space.

When Mother died and even now, when I open my heart to what I know is God, is Love, in its purest unconditional form, when I feel sorrow and tears flow once again, I can feel both Mother and Daddy with me holding me tenderly. I still miss the conversations about food on Thanksgiving and football discussions. I miss a card and small birthday check on November 22. I do not deny that memories and longing don’t enter my mind because they still pass through at times. And I hear, “I’m right here. Happy birthday!” It’s Daddy’s voice whispering to my inner soul ears.

I am grateful for the love of those who have moved on to another life. I am grateful for their lives and how they contributed to me, to my friends, and classmates. We have all been so fortunate to have each one in our life. I don’t say goodbye. I say, “See ya!”

Thank you for Love. I know I will heal, that I am healing, that I AM healed. God as I understand God is with each of us all the time. Love heals what causes the pain. Love is unlimited. Cry but let go of the anger, the judgments, the fear, any of that with each tear falling down your face. Let go. Let God. Let Love fill you and make you whole. Know that everywhere in your body where you feel some part of you is now missing is filled with Love and always is filled with whole, perfect, complete Love.

And that’s what I know about God and grief and Love. And so it is.

“God is Love.”

[The following is a treatment submitted to Holiday Treatments for the Soul, a small publication by the Spiritual Living Center of Atlanta of Treatments by our Practitioners and Interns and Ministers. It will come out in December probably.]


God is Love. Love is God. Love - God is omnipresent all the time but during the Holidays even the non-religious person turns their focus towards Love as it physically manifest in family and friends. I am excited to embrace the feelings of this season because no other time during the year is there so much potential to feel the Love of God through others. There is only One Love. It’s all One Power. What do I know about the Holidays and Love? I know what I always know. God is Love and it manifests in physical form through me as Love, Joy, Health, Peace, and Prosperity. I see Love in everyone behind the shopping, the packages, and the false stress on the surface. The truth is Love.

Everywhere I go, everyone I see, everything I do has Love, is Love. So much Joy fills my heart I have to give it to others. There is nothing but Love in my heart now through the Holiday Season. I am so grateful for this wonderful feeling in and around me. It fills me up and there is no room for anything else.

With these words, I give their meaning to the universe and walk in a world of Infinite Love. So it is.

Katherine Wheelus Dannels

Why Do Some People Have to Have Someone to Hate?

by Katherine Ari, November 17, 2009

On the Internet news, Ian McClellan, the actor, admitted that he rips out pages in hotel Bibles about homosexuality. His actions are what they are. There are many things in the old testament of the Bible that are really offensive. If a woman is in her monthly menses and sits on a bench or pew in the temple or church, she is to be stoned and anyone who sits where she sat is unclean and also should be stoned. There is something in one of the Old Testament books about divorcing and one shoe – really silly if you are going to take the Bible literally. Then there is the scripture that says if you go into another community and they do not have the same god as Jehovah, you are to kill, stone, and castrate the people. Let’s see how far anyone gets taking that literally.

But it is the fundamental Christians, followers of the New Testament, that are screaming and condemning homosexuality the most. They will even say they don’t like the Old Testament because of the killing and castrating stuff and really don’t spend much time reading those stories. But they pick out this page and interpret as a justification to hate homosexuality.

I am not sure whether this one is old or new – "If thy right eye offends thee, pluck it out. If thy right hand offends thee, cut it off" – but how many people can take that one literally? Not many, because if they did, there would be a very large group of Christians and non-Christians with only one eye and one hand and they would be sent to mental hospitals for hurting themselves. And we can even leave lust and sex off of the offensive actions of eyes and hand. Just eating something that is harmful to your body or drinking alcohol that destroys brain cells are offensive acts.

Jesus says, “If someone comes to your door and you turn them away, you are turning him away. If you turn your back on the prisoner in jail, you turn you back on him (Jesus).” And I believe with my inner soul that if Jesus as I know Jesus were to walk into the jail to see those who have made mistakes and have fallen short of the glory of God, he would not scream at them and tell them they were going to Hell for their mistakes. He would not be ugly, angry, or unloving to them. He would not be going to jail to make a point of their mistakes. The Jesus I grew up loving would show love to them. Even the stories of him on the cross next to the others that were criminals tell us of his love for them and his forgiveness.

I am not sitting in judgment – after all Jesus also said, “Let you among us who is without sin (missing the mark) throw the first stone” because no one is without sin. Even if homosexuality is a “sin” (I don’t think so) it is just another sin and Jesus would NOT act the way the religious right acts. WHY do Christians always have to have a group to hate? WHY?

Why do homosexuals want to get married? They simply want to be treated the same and regarded the same as everyone else.

After World War II, the “hated group” was communist. Society feared and hated Germans, Japanese, and “Commies”. The Klu Klux Klan hated black people and Jews all in the name of Christianity. Then the USSR fell and the wall in Berlin came down. Civil Rights were supported by whites as well as African Americans and the KKK was revealed as what it was.

Then the religious right went after the “New Agers” – a work of the devil. If you went into a Christian bookstore, there was a whole shelf of condemning books about their definition of New Agers full of hate, anger, and misconstrued ideas by people that just looked for something to fault. New Age was just a marketing term and NEVER any one kind of people. Anything that some Christians thought was different or against their beliefs were New Age and the Devils work.

I remember so clearly another parent at the Christian school that my sons briefly attended saying that she wouldn’t ever vote for Bill Clinton because he wasn’t a Christian because he didn’t believe in the death penalty and did believe in abortions. I thought to myself that I know many Christians who do not believe in the death penalty and DO believe in the right to choose. But her definition of Christianity included this slant. So many things in the so-called New Age beliefs were considered as non-Christian by some and not so by others. But they preached and condemned and judged and call names and got ugly. Again Jesus would not act that way. He wouldn’t.

The phase of bracelets and signs and billboards of “What Would Jesus Do?” or WWJD was really a good idea. Unfortunately, people wearing those bracelets justified those judgmental attitudes and mean hateful behaviors. They believed Jesus would do that. I don’t!

The anti-New Agers furor died down as any metaphysical group distanced themselves from the term. The occult groups, the Pagan, or Wiccans, distanced from those terms too. The Christians hating – an oxymoron, don’t you think? – needed a new group to go after. (I just don’t understand why.) Homosexuals are tired of the bigotry and being treated like they are second-class citizens. They want to be allowed to marry and have all the rights of other couples. But the vocal ones that find a passage in the Bible to justify their unkind attitudes and beliefs speak out against them, condemning their lifestyle, acting like someone made them God. But I am not God. And I don’t have the right to judge either. If the Jesus I believed I knew as a girl growing up in the Baptist church, (though Baptist is not my spiritual home today) were standing with me right now, with my gay friends, and my straight friends, we would all feel Love, complete Love, unconditional Love, infinite Love. May each of us think every thought, take every actions, and do anything we do with anyone we come in contact with as if Jesus or God, however we interpret the Divine Presence, is standing with us with every breath we take. For I know we all my heart and soul that Peace would be on earth if everyone lived their lives with this practice in their life.

Take a moment now and imagine that your interpretation of God or the sons or daughters of God are in front of you with open arms and looking you in the eye. Don’t you feel it – Love - too? What Would He/She do if you turned toward another and then gave them hate and condemnation? Personally, I think if you turned back to look in the eyes of the Divine presence you would see tears.

What’s In A Name?

November 17, 2009
by Katherine Ari

I was named Mary Katherine when I was born. Most of my life I have been called Kathy. I always preferred Mary to be pronounced Marie. A few years ago while doing a regression therapy, I came to recognize that not Marie but Ari was the name I was drawn too. What Ari means is another story.

Over the years I have read about the meanings of names. Certainly numerology is about your NAME more than your birthday like Astrology. I could see myself as Katherine, a renaissance person like the queen. I am a person of many talents and always independent. But the name Mary is the universal mother, the mother of God or Jesus, always the mother. I did not want to be Mary. I resisted the image of “Mother Earth” though often others tried to say that was how they saw me. “No, no, no! I don’t want to be that.” I would answer.

I didn’t marry until I was 29. For most of my twenties I didn’t have any desire to marry much less become a mother. My astrology teacher in my masters degree program taught us to do charts and in my fourth house I either would not have children or have no trouble with children. That was ironic in itself because by then I was married and pregnant with my first child. The spiritual action of marriage had also brought about the biological urge to have children – though even to this day I am not really a baby person. I went on to have three children and we have an unofficially adopted son making it four. I would have had another but Doug said no.

We had our children and made a life in an old house in Douglasville, GA. The house was surrounded by numerous kinds of oak trees, elms, sweet gums, pines, apples, cedars, a redbud and a dogwood, a mimosa, and we tried peaches. I have always loved trees. I spent my childhood having trees as my only friends along with my cat living in the country without any other children for neighbors. I felt a bond and communication with them even when I didn’t understand I was communicating with them and they with me. I do not deny that I have hugged many a tree, cried under many a tree and let them help me with my pain, danced with them, and heard them cry when they were damaged or cut down.

Years ago when the children were young, we were doing some work with a Native American teacher. He taught me that each area of the forest or even our yard has a head tree. There are grandmother and grandfather trees. He challenged me to go around in my yard and determine which was the head tree. The head tree is not necessarily the oldest or the biggest but I would discover that there are different kinds of leaders among the trees. Each tree in a yard has a function that forms a little sub-ecosystem. On my own I learned how to tell the feminine vs. the masculine trees.

I know you are asking, “What does this part of the story have to do with names?” Keep reading.
On one side of my house in the driveway is a water oak, a 110-year-old Grandfather Oak. At that time, there was a red oak, a 200 year old Great Grandmother Oak on the other side of the house, the west side. In the middle of the back yard was another Grandmother oak. The two oaks on each side of my house were guardians of the house and I felt that the red oak was the head tree. I went to the other grandmother oak in the yard and I looked at her. I said you just want to be the tree that provides shade and love. You don’t want to be the “mother” of the yard, the grand - mother. And I felt she agreed with me.

One morning in 1991, I went outside with my little Maltese dog. The sky was very unusual. There was a storm coming in from Birmingham but the sun had just come up from the east. The colors were vivid, strange. Spring flowers were coming up in an area that was garbage when we moved to the house in 1984. Everything looked so pretty. I spoke to the Great Grandmother, the mother tree of the yard where all the baby birds and squirrels lived. “Grand-mother, you are so wonderful and beautiful this morning. I love you so much. I hope you will be with us for another hundred years!”

As clear as if someone were standing right in front of me I heard a voice say, “I’m leaving soon.” A rush of fear passed over me. “Where did that voice come from?” I looked at her and I knew, KNEW it came from the tree. “Oh no, I hope not. We want you around for a long time. We love you so much and you are so important to us!”

“Soon, Granddaughter, very soon.” This internal voice coming to me was so real and sad. I felt tears well up in my eyes but then I went on about walking the dog and returning inside the house.

I went back toward the bedroom to get dressed. It was about 8:30 a.m. and Doug came running through the house. “This storm looks really bad. We should move to the hallway – quickly!” We got the kids up, grabbed the inside dog. The wind was loud and strong. Two tornados were passing over our house and we heard a large boom. The house shook and then we heard rain running into the house. The shaking was over and all we heard was loud rain. We got up to look where the rain was coming in. “Oh my God, the red oak was not there. She had gone down. But when she fell, she went north and wrapped around the back of the house. Twelve other trees went down on our property, all going towards the east, the direction of the tornado. But if she had done that, she would have fallen directly on the house, destroying the house and killing all of us.

“She told me, Doug. She said she was leaving soon,” I told Doug as I cried. Wow, she told me. I heard her. She told me! I felt like I had lost someone dear.

I felt she was the leader of my yard and she was gone. There was a young oak that I thought would be the new leader of that side of the yard some day, but when she fell, he held her until the tree people could get her safely to the ground without hitting the house. He was damaged beyond repair and a few years later fell to another storm.

I was well settled into parenthood and home schooling my children. I loved being their parent and had even gotten to the point of liking other children. I was walking around the yard and I felt that the Grandmother Oak in the middle of the yard had changed. She was clearly the new feminine head tree in the yard. Feeling sure of myself and like I “knew” the truth I said, “Well, Grandmother, I see you have assumed the role of the mother of the yard now since the Great Grandmother is gone.”

With a gentle bit firm voice she spoke to me. “It was not me that was not ready to be the mother, granddaughter. I am now what I was then.” And as if she and I were saying it in unison, the next thought to come through my mind was, “It was me that was not ready to be the mother, the earth mother. And now I am ready. I am ready to embrace being Mary, the eternal mother. I WAS Mary. I am Mary – (but I am even more Ari). But that IS another story and the name means something different.

What does your name mean? Do you embrace it and live the full potential?