Praying When we are Grieving

by Katherine Ari, November 30, 2009

I have a large number of friends who have just lost loved ones in the last few months, especially in November. First, the former editor/owner of the hometown local newspaper passed away the same day as Michael Jackson. Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and Patrick Swayze died. These were all icons in their own way. Another hometown death was Aunt Dale. Most of us who grew up there know who she was and what she meant to her family as well as hundreds of other people over the many years.

One of my classmates had several ailing relatives dying at the same time. Another’s dad died. At our reunion a beautiful mom in her nineties joined us. She passed last week quite quickly

A couple of Sunday’s ago, a close friend was crying at church. He told me his dad had died the night before. And it has been only 3 weeks since another friend of 20 years out here in Douglasville had his mom pass away. Yesterday, at church again, I hugged a friend, David Michael. I can’t explain what I felt but I knew something just wasn’t right. “What’s going on?” He knew he couldn’t pretend with me. “My dad died last week,” he answered me.

My home girl, Gem, lost her father-in-law Thursday, Thanksgiving night. On Saturday, my class website posted that a classmate’s wife passed away after a battle with cancer. And when I got home from church, I checked the website and found classmate Stanley’s cancer had taken his life too. And a young friend had a break up and 2 deaths in his family, one a suicide. There are a few more that have happened in the last few weeks.

So many people I care about are grieving. I’ve been on that road. My parents have both passed – 10 and 11 years ago. Doug’s Grandmother Nordquist died at age 89. Then his other Grandpa Roy at 95 and Grandma Eva died as 99 in February of 2003. Later that year, the most devastating death of all happened when his 48-year-old sister died the day before Thanksgiving suddenly.

The thing is most of us have some sort of belief in an afterlife. Most of us believe that our loved ones and friends are met by those gone before them and that they are no longer in pain, going to a new and better life.

Many people say to pray for them and pray to get through the sorrow, the hard times, the pain and grief. Prayer, like God as we understand God, means different things to different people. The atheist, and there are some among us, finds no comfort for their grief in the idea of talking to a mythical bearded white skinned man out there in the clouds in the sky. But their pain and grief are just as real as the fundamentalist.

My minister and teacher, Paul, was at a city hall type meeting and was asked to say a prayer. He thought about it. Knowing there were many belief systems represented there, especially traditional Christians, how could he “pray” a prayer for everyone? He started with, “What do I know about God?” So in order to make a statement that is for everyone, I have started with what I know about God or Love.

I know there is a power for Good in the Universe. It is the force behind all of creation, the beginning point of all that exist. It is present everywhere in everything all the time. It is available for us to use in our lives. It does its work through us and how we choose to use it creates our personal experience of life. Even someone who choose not to believe in a supernatural being can see that there is something that is the beginning that sets things in motion. We all know that the stronger our faith and beliefs are that we can create anything. One can say it came from me, it came from God working through me, or it came from God outside of me. I personally call it Universal Energy or God but for me it is not a man God. I believe; therefore I use the power for Good and for Love.

Many of us are sad. Many feel loss. My classmate Stanley was quite a character. A book about him would be funny and inspirational, but I don’t think there would be space enough to say everything and really tell his whole story.

Grief is a personal experience. We are sad because the physical presence of the one who has passed is gone. We lose the moments of sharing time with them, looking at their smiling faces, feeling their love in the same room. A part of us has gone away forever. Life brings us all sorts of changes in our relationships. With death, the physical one on one relationship is over and you can’t get it back. We cry – but that really is okay!

We want to say in our prayer, “God, I miss my loved one so much. I know they are okay but it still hurts me. I miss them. I wasn’t ready for them to go! I wasn’t done yet needing them in my life.” And when you get to this point, you can keep crying, complaining, and lamenting. When you truly believe in this ultimate power for Good we call God, then after you have cried until you feel you can cry no more, BE STILL. Let the Love you know is God, is this Universal Force come into your consciousness, holding you, healing you, cradling and nurturing you, and carrying you through a hard part of existence. And if you are atheist and grieving, you do know love and how it feels, so think of feeling Love. The part of the person who has left us that we long for IS love. We may have to cry a while but the memories of the love and joy will not leave. Love is infinite, unlimited by time and space.

When Mother died and even now, when I open my heart to what I know is God, is Love, in its purest unconditional form, when I feel sorrow and tears flow once again, I can feel both Mother and Daddy with me holding me tenderly. I still miss the conversations about food on Thanksgiving and football discussions. I miss a card and small birthday check on November 22. I do not deny that memories and longing don’t enter my mind because they still pass through at times. And I hear, “I’m right here. Happy birthday!” It’s Daddy’s voice whispering to my inner soul ears.

I am grateful for the love of those who have moved on to another life. I am grateful for their lives and how they contributed to me, to my friends, and classmates. We have all been so fortunate to have each one in our life. I don’t say goodbye. I say, “See ya!”

Thank you for Love. I know I will heal, that I am healing, that I AM healed. God as I understand God is with each of us all the time. Love heals what causes the pain. Love is unlimited. Cry but let go of the anger, the judgments, the fear, any of that with each tear falling down your face. Let go. Let God. Let Love fill you and make you whole. Know that everywhere in your body where you feel some part of you is now missing is filled with Love and always is filled with whole, perfect, complete Love.

And that’s what I know about God and grief and Love. And so it is.